Things are looking good for my first paper after a whole day of revisions (actually, more like 12 hours straight of revisions). I am optimistic that I’ll be able to finish everything and do some practice papers (which should increase my chances at getting a good grade tremendously).
I guess these few days will be emo, since most of us would have been doing revisions non-stop for at least one week and getting very little sleep. I’ve just heard this, it was an extract from a monologue in a movie and it was originally spoken in Cantonese. Let’s call the narrator A and I hope that I do a good job at translating it to English.
… Other than the voice, the difference between small kid A and grown-up A was that there was still a lot of imagination in small kid A’s world. There was still a lot of hope. Hope. Disappointment. Hope. Disappointment. Hope. Disappointment. The cycle repeats, and after a few cycles, I became grown-up A.
On one hand, I guess this is typical. Most people have expectations that exceed what is likely to happen. That would result in a disappointment. I fondly remember one day in primary school, where our class teachers asked us about our ambitions. The usual stuffs, I guess. Some astronauts, mostly doctors and lawyers, some engineers. At the end of the day, most of us are engineers or Art majors. That was alright, because most of us don’t really know what we really want to be at that point in time. For example, we probably don’t really know what it takes to be a doctor. We therefore adjust our expectations along the way as we learn more.
However, I guess most of us would have things that we really want and it feels out of reach (sometimes, cannot means cannot lah). Maybe someone you really like and hope to be your life partner just rejected you despite numerous attempts. Maybe you really want to get this job, but there are either no vacancies or the employer didn’t think you were suitable for the job. Maybe you really wanted to eat chicken rice, but everyone is out of chicken today.
Until around, I thought I could get anything if I worked hard at it. If I gave it more time, it has a higher likelihood of success, right? But the world doesn’t wait for you. I guess failure felt more bitter if you worked hard at it and still don’t get it. In fact, it hurts quite a bit. However, over the past few years, I met with failures repeatedly and felt a little bit numb to failures. Looking on the bright side, they don’t hurt that much anymore, even if I had tried my best. I hope for the best for tomorrow and the day after, but if I am still unable to get good grades, I’ll have no regrets, because I felt like I’ve tried my best.
I guess dwindling hopes is directly proportional to age. I’ve observed that older people tend to rely on experience (maybe because they have failed so many times?) and are more ‘down to Earth’ with their decisions while younger people tend to make decisions that are theoretically possible, but the chances of success might be very low (in other words, dreaming). The good part is that if they think it’s possible, they will work for it, right? There is still that little bit of chance that it might come true… Or will it? Or will the cycle leads to disappointment?